Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
