Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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