She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
