Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
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I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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