You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
