My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
