do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
