I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
