Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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