I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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