My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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