I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
