Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
