I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
