when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
