you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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