maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight