just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo