My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
