well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
