But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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