Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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