and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
