ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
