I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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