i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
