It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
