haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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