You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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