Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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