I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
