Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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