Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
