I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
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Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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