When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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