I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
