According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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