i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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