hotel room ftw
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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