Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
