When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
