Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
