no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
