I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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