How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
