yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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