So drunk its hurt
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
