I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
