So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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