i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
birth control should be required to get into college
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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