the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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