I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
did i walk over a car last night?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bring me that man meat
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
