Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
