i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
