When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
