getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
