How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
