What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW