this beer tastes like vomit already
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes