Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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