i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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