is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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